Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Joys of Christmas

     Most people really hate Christmas. Why? Hanging with family? Spending the extra money? A different kind of stress than any other time of the year? The suicide rate jumps up at this time of year. It almost seems more hip to hate Christmas than to love it. Well, I am the anti-hip. I love Christmas and hopefully I can change a few of your minds.
     The holidays can be really hard on recovering addicts. There are all day AA and NA meetings. These people do not deal well with this added stress. To be honest, I personally think it is just a good excuse to relapse, but whatever. Some people can't grasp why it would be any harder on an addict than anyone else. Well, I never showed up drunk, but I usually had a few to "relax" and "calm my nerves." Why would it be hard to go back? It is kind of like jerking off with lotion and some good anal porn. After that, a calloused hand and a white wall just don't do it anymore.
    Gift giving/receiving is the first thing most people think about when it comes to Christmas. As a child, I spent many a Christmas Eve laying in bed, wide awake, wondering if I would ever fall asleep or if I was stuck in eternal hell waiting. I would eventually sleep, wake up and run to the living room only to be confused to why Santa always wrapped presents for kids on TV but at my house they were just laying on the floor in the open. My Dad explained to me that those kids were rich and Santa liked them more. This is the same Dad that later wondered why I drank so much. After this I had to go to church. If I dislike church now, I downright loathed it on Christmas Day. Not only did I have to go and sit while my toys got lonely, Christmas Mass is always way longer. Do these preists not understand? I would have gladly traded a little altar boy sodomy for the greater good of shaving off 20 minutes of mass.
     As you get older, you start learning the gift of giving. Now that I am officially in my 30's, I have grown to love this. Sometimes my favorite part of the holidays is showing up somewhere and surprising someone who meant something to me that year with a gift. A lot of the times I never get anything in return. I don't care, I just like to make people feel good. Just ask the friends of mine who have received gift certificates, movies, and even a Wii Fit. Sometimes it is better to just make people happy. I can't be a prick all of the time.
    My mother's side of the family does a gift exchange. This is where we all pick 3 people to spend $20 on. Call me a dickhead, but in my family this really sucks. What this comes down to, is all of us rushing out to buy 3 gift cards because we don't know what each other would really like. This idea is awful. (by the way, as I write this, there is a middle aged lady at Panera who is smoking fucking hot) You just narrow down where I can spend my money. Not only that, you make me split it up between 3 different places so I can't get something I really like. "We got you a gift card to Wal-Mart." Great. I like Target better and I have to drive 10 miles to Wal-Mart. Too bad I can't use it along with the $20 I now have to spend at Game Stop. Did I mention I don't have a gaming console?
     Do not get me wrong. Gift cards have their place. Have plans to surprise someone with a small token of thanks for being there for you this past year? Surprise them with card to Chili's and be done with it. It will probably make their day.
     My ADHD is acting up so I am going to move on to my favorite part of the holidays. Yes, I like O Holy Night. Yes, I like driving around with hot chocolate and looking at lights. But what I love best is.....AWKWARDNESS!
This can't be beat. I'm not talking about stating out loud "awkward" when someone brings up your cousins sexuality and he is still in the closet. I am talking about borderline ruining the party and standing there smiling. This is what I live for. That and Snickerdoodles. This year will extra special for me. I have the power to make everyone feel really really guilty for my problems and give me that rehab sympathy or make some pretty good jokes about. I'm not sure which way I will go. I like to go where the wind takes me. I am actually trying to rent a house from my aunt, so I will probably just tend to my Coke and grenadine and do a lot of chuckling. My Grandma is all Alzheimered up now so I expect her to drop some gems. And I will be more than happy to pick them up. "You people never loved me, you just want my money!" The looks on my relative's faces will be priceless.
     I am on my 6th cup of coffee and my hands are shaking like I'm going through detox again so I will wrap this up rather quickly. Before I go, I need to talk about how to properly receive a gift. We can all agree to just take that damn thing, no matter how ugly the sweater. What you do with it once it is yours is up to you. Just accept that fucking thing. The same goes for you women and blowjobs. If you decide to give your man the best free gift out there, please just accept what he gives back. I think you all know what I am getting at here. We don't care what you do with it, but it is just plain rude to not take it.
     Well, I hope everyone of you has a good Christmas. Maybe we can all share some good stories next week.
Merry Christmas.
This is dedicated to Christopher Psycho Unthank

Saturday, December 11, 2010

If You Say AA Sucks, You Just Called Me A Ni***r

Did that title grab you? Good. I hate that I feel the need to write this, but a coworker said something that reminded me of it.
     The absurdity of racism is something that I find both hilarious and depressing. A few years ago I attended a Super Bowl party at a good friend's house. It was a small party, about 8 of us total. Of that 8, one person was a great friend of mine. I have known this guy for 27 years and we have grown to be like brothers. This friend also happens to be a black guy. He had a white girlfriend at the time and she was at the party along with their daughter who was probably around 2 at the time.
     I can't remember who won the game, but what I do remember about the party is way worse. After the game, another guy we all knew showed up. He was drunk and enraged. I guess he had a problem with someone he thought was there and wanted to confront him. Now up until this point, the party had been low key. Then this fucknut showed up looking for a fight. I wouldn't have cared, but none of us were involved so it was more of an annoyance. With his foe absent from the party, he turned his anger to my friends and I. "Fuck you. You like him more than me" he said. I guess that he didn't know that acting like that was the best way to make that statement true. He tried swinging and kicking at us in a stairwell and told us he hated us. Fine. People hating me is nothing new and I have the mind to take it. What came next is still, 5 years later, sickening. When my friends' daughter got scared, my friend stepped up. He tried to be calm and defuse the situation. "Hey man, my daughter is spooked. Can you maybe do this tomorrow?" Mr Violent then replied "Fuck you. You are just a nigger. Fuck you and your half-nigger baby. And fuck your nigger loving girlfriend." I was stunned. Never have I seen or heard someone say something so hateful and do it with such a calm demeanor that it was spooky. This didn't come out like a drunk person just screaming nonsense. This came off as comple bigoted hatred. The kind of hatred that is unheard of. My friend just kind of stood there in disbelief while I decided this guy needed his wig knocked off. Luckily, things calmed down and he left before the place turned into a bloodbath. Let me just say that, as a white male, I have never been so embarassed by another person's actions. Looking back on it 5 years later and 4 months sober I feel confused. I try everyday to stay humble. I never want anyone to think or feel that my recovery makes me above them or that I think that. Is this the case of me judging a drunk because I am jealous? Or am I in the right, still wanting to rip this guy's head off. Where is the line of hatred and drunken stupidity? I can't answer that, but I would love to hear your responses.
      White people sometimes get confused. I have heard numerous times, from ol whiteys, "they can call each other nigger, but if I did it, then I'm a racist."  ???
Uh, ya think? Asshole. I can never imagine what is like to be female, ethnic, or gay. I am a white straight male. I have used the words nigger, faggot, bitch, etc more than the biggest racist and sexist person you know. Never once has it ever been out of hatred. These words are sick and some of the most hurtful things that can be said. Why do I say them? The absurdity of a moron who thinks they are appropriate makes me laugh harder than any crotch shot ever could. Think I'm wrong? Just listen to how crazy Daniel Carver, Grandmaster of the KKK, always sounded when calling into The Howard Stern Show. Sometimes humor is found in the darkest places.
     I'm not going to act like I have endured anything close to gay or ethnic people. But along those lines, I will point out something. For those of you who don't know, I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I stayed in an inpatient rehab facility for 30 days. Upon completing treatment, I started attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. AA meetings are chocked full of other people just like I was. Alone. Desperate. In need of something. In these meetings, you develop a very close bond. Like a strange family. These became my people. I have my problems with AA also. As an atheist, turning my life and recovery over to a higher power seems impossible. AA members like to say things like "it doesn't have to be God, this rock can be your higher power." Now to me, that statement makes me want to punch people. Who in the fuck would want to make a rock their higher power? A fucking idiot, that is who. One thing I have learned growing up is tolerance. AA was started by 2 Christians named Bill W and Dr Bob. As much as they try to say that they are open to all religions, this isn't really true. They hold hands in a circle and recite the Lord's Prayer at the end of every meeting. 90% of the attendees I have met are Christian. This is the main reason I used to bash this simple program. The whole God thing. But after attending meetings for a few months, I enjoy them. I have a sense of brotherhood with people who know I feel trying to make it and stay sober. This is where my tolerance comes into play. I don't their beliefs bother me. Holding hands with a group and saying the Lord's Prayer isn't going to kill me. Do I think it is silly? Yes, but it also installs a sense of comradarie in the group. If you were to come up to me, as a "normie" as we call you, and bash AA I would bash your nose. Why? Because it is OK for me to do it but not you. This is my program and I need it sometimes. I can bash them all day, but I also attend the very meetings I'm talking about. You do not go, therefore you have no idea what you are saying. See, it is the same as 2 black guys calling themselves a degrading name. Save your efforts something you know. If you say AA sucks, you just called me a nigger.
Until next time, I'm going to bed. Fan this on Facebook and spread the word

Friday, December 10, 2010

Why Brock is Gayer than Daniel Tosh

Finally blog #2. Don't forget to love and hate me afterwards and fan this shit on Facebook.

      About 9 years ago, my friends started hanging out at a local gay bar. Not because they were gay, but it was by far the nicest bar in town. On top of that, the girls felt comfortable because the guys didn't drive them nuts and they could dance there. Naturally, the same way "ladies' nights" work, all of us guys followed. I happened to enjoy this bar. It was absent of the kind of guys the girls were getting away from and to be honest, I hate douchebags too.
      Now, I have many gay and lesbian friends. I support them in any way I can. I will vote for any and all equal rights that come up. I use the same argument that most people do. "It is not a choice. Who in the fuck would choose to endure a life of bullshit by fucktards and rednecks?" Now, guess who, of all the people to go against this very argument are? Answer: Gay People. Let me show you what these two paragraphs have to do with each other.
     I have been told that as soon as I walk into a gay bar, I am known to be straight. I walk a little different, talk a little different, dress like shit, and usually have one eyebrow. Now, I do not find many lesbians attractive and you think the same would work for gays. Nope. As soon as they see a straight boy walk in the door it is game on. We are then subjected to the most aggresive "come ons" ever. There are a couple reasons for this.
1. Most straight guys get freaked out by this. It is funny to see them squirm. And truthfully, we are in their territory.
2. There is the slim chance that a straight boy may take them up on this offer. Unlikely to happen, but worth a shot.
     This leaves guys like me stuck in the middle. And like a shit sandwich, it stinks. You try not being a homophobe and telling a queer to quit grabbing your balls. Doesn't work. You would think explaing that you are straight would give the message. Not even close. You just hear "ooh, I can change you" over and over and over again.
     Which brings us to the story. This story usually comes up when one of my friends does something that could be perceived as gay, and quickly tries to put it on me. "Wha, wha, what about the time? Brock? and a drag queen?"  So here is the story. Not too funny, but worth retelling.
     Bubby and Sissy's has a weekly drag show on Saturday nights. You crowd in a room, get drunk, and try to act comfortable as you can while men in dresses push their nonbuxom on your face. You then tip them for this and order shots. I happened to become pretty cool with a butchy dyke who worked the upstairs bar at that time. Behind this bar there was an employee only bathroom. More specifically, a drag queen only bathroom. For some reason, I was the only straight boy allowed to use this bathroom whenever I wanted. One particular Saturday, I was drunker than normal. Drunk to the point where I was just rambling on to the dyke and pretending she loved me. I had to pee. I went to MY bathroom. A drag queen inbetween songs saw me head that way. Followed me and came right in. "Well hello," I said. "Hello." Our eyes met and i noticed it was a man. I really had to pee so I just decided, fuck it, I am pissing. While I was in midstream, the DQ decided to have fun with me. He/she started undressing me. It started with my shirt, slowly pulling it off of me. This complicated my pissing, but like a soldier, I carried on. The next step was for the thing to stand behind me, rubbing my chest and talking into my ear. There are about 2 ways to handle this. I could either freak out and look like a douchebag or go try to freak him out. I went with freak him out. I stood there shirtless and drunk, with my dick hanging out and somehow I didn't slur. I got the words out "Are you going to suck that motherfucker? Or are you just going to play with it all day?" This worked very well. I have never in my life seen such a strange look of disgust. This was my goal. He stood there with his hands up, palms out like someone stepping away from a shitty diaper. I then heard "You are fucking gross," and he left. I was happy and put dick away and cleaned up. This was going to be a funny story to tell until I walk out of the bathroom to realize that all of my friends were standing there. They had just seen a DQ run out of the bathroom horrified and me following carrying my shirt in my hand. Weird indeed.
     This might not be my best story, but I hoped it entertained a bit. Send me feedback and tell your friends
Sorry again for not proofreading this shit. Im at work and doing the best I can. Don't complain

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Self Loathing Altonians and Why I Fucking Hate Them

      I live in a town of about 31,000 people. We have no movie theater. We only have Christian bookstores. We also have a new Wal-Mart being built. Even with these wonderful amenities, I still love it here. We are a magnet for the crazy and home for the strange. Somehow I fit in to this place. Centrally located, I can get pretty much anywhere I want in reasonable time. We have our own newspaper. We have our own gaudy casino. It is the most haunted small town in America. It is the birthplace of James Earl Ray, Miles Davis, and Robert Wadlow. What could I possibly find wrong in the greatest small town I know of?

90% of the fucking residents!
Let me just get this off my chest now and say "I fucking hate you!" I wish you horrible eternities in some Christian hell. Fuck you and your high horse.
      Most of the residents in this town hate it here. At any given time, you can march down to any of our 100 bars and find some asshole who will tell you how much it sucks here. "Well, that's Alton for you." "Its Alton, what did you expect?" "I need to get out of this town." "Alton sucks, there is nothing to do here."
     This dipshit reasoning leads to the exact problem you are complaining about. We have community events, you don't show up. We get semi popular music acts to perform, all you have to say is "Oh, wow, we have Cracker playing." I have friends that plan music showcases and comedy shows only to almost always be disappointed in the turnout. When questioned about the noshow, most of these assholes have great excuses. "Well, I wanted to come. But uhh, Major Payne was on again, and I haven't seen it in the calendar year of 2010. Wanted to stay caught up." Or my favorite excuse "Dude, it was like $5 and I didn't want to spend the money."
     Fuck you
     I would like to take a second and give my retaliation to my favorite A-Town hate sayings
1. "This town is full of losers, weirdos, and people who aren't going anywhere."
      -Sure, we have our weirdos. No denying that. But have you ever stopped to talk to them? I have and I have mainly positive things to say about it. We have Andrew. He keeps our downtown windows clean and our bars smelling good even if he doesn't. We have Junior. Permanent downtown bum, Junior actually has some really entertaining stories to tell about traveling, sleeping outside in the winter months, and his strange girlfriend. All you have to do is bum him a smoke and get ready to listen. Don't forget Sylvia. Former Wash U professor who went loopy after the death of her husband and now makes her way back and forth to the riverbend homeless shelters. She happens to be my favorite. She minds her own business when she sits in a bar. One night I sat with her, in the rain, on the steps of the old Campbell Pharmacy for about 2 hours. What did I discover? She had her own cold beer, and lots of it which she was more than happy to share. She also had her own Newports. Those 2 things are more than I can say for most of my friends.
2. "The people in this town are too closed minded for me/my kind."
     -No. You just suck. Nobody cares about your fucking stupid liberal/consevative ideas. We don't care mainly because we know you are too fucking lazy to ever do anything about it. You just sit and bitch to whoever will listen, as long as they look similar in dress to you. Closed minded? Fuck that, our residents bartend naked. We also love to smoke indoors and do it illegally. We also have the forward thinking of running our barscene with cocaine. Real Altonians love this. I don't personally involve myself in this scene anymore, but I like that it is there. See, we know how to keep our customers coming back.
3. "Our newspaper, The Telegraph is a piece of shit."
-Sure the St Louis Post Dispatch is nice, but where else can you see relevant police briefs, my house for auction, and hear the bitches of old fucks? You can't.
     Without a nice way to end this rant and Borders closing, I will just say to you "Move." That simple. All you do is ruin my good time. Bitch and moan. Get the fuck out and take your shithead friends with you. You will not be missed. Trust me. You will just make more room at the shows you don't go to, less bitching about the smoke in bars, and more cocaine for those who appreciate it. And the next time you want to bitch, save your jawjabbing and suck my dick.
If you hate me now, I don't really care, but feel free to tell me anyway at
See you next time