Sunday, November 7, 2010

Self Loathing Altonians and Why I Fucking Hate Them

      I live in a town of about 31,000 people. We have no movie theater. We only have Christian bookstores. We also have a new Wal-Mart being built. Even with these wonderful amenities, I still love it here. We are a magnet for the crazy and home for the strange. Somehow I fit in to this place. Centrally located, I can get pretty much anywhere I want in reasonable time. We have our own newspaper. We have our own gaudy casino. It is the most haunted small town in America. It is the birthplace of James Earl Ray, Miles Davis, and Robert Wadlow. What could I possibly find wrong in the greatest small town I know of?

90% of the fucking residents!
Let me just get this off my chest now and say "I fucking hate you!" I wish you horrible eternities in some Christian hell. Fuck you and your high horse.
      Most of the residents in this town hate it here. At any given time, you can march down to any of our 100 bars and find some asshole who will tell you how much it sucks here. "Well, that's Alton for you." "Its Alton, what did you expect?" "I need to get out of this town." "Alton sucks, there is nothing to do here."
     This dipshit reasoning leads to the exact problem you are complaining about. We have community events, you don't show up. We get semi popular music acts to perform, all you have to say is "Oh, wow, we have Cracker playing." I have friends that plan music showcases and comedy shows only to almost always be disappointed in the turnout. When questioned about the noshow, most of these assholes have great excuses. "Well, I wanted to come. But uhh, Major Payne was on again, and I haven't seen it in the calendar year of 2010. Wanted to stay caught up." Or my favorite excuse "Dude, it was like $5 and I didn't want to spend the money."
     Fuck you
     I would like to take a second and give my retaliation to my favorite A-Town hate sayings
1. "This town is full of losers, weirdos, and people who aren't going anywhere."
      -Sure, we have our weirdos. No denying that. But have you ever stopped to talk to them? I have and I have mainly positive things to say about it. We have Andrew. He keeps our downtown windows clean and our bars smelling good even if he doesn't. We have Junior. Permanent downtown bum, Junior actually has some really entertaining stories to tell about traveling, sleeping outside in the winter months, and his strange girlfriend. All you have to do is bum him a smoke and get ready to listen. Don't forget Sylvia. Former Wash U professor who went loopy after the death of her husband and now makes her way back and forth to the riverbend homeless shelters. She happens to be my favorite. She minds her own business when she sits in a bar. One night I sat with her, in the rain, on the steps of the old Campbell Pharmacy for about 2 hours. What did I discover? She had her own cold beer, and lots of it which she was more than happy to share. She also had her own Newports. Those 2 things are more than I can say for most of my friends.
2. "The people in this town are too closed minded for me/my kind."
     -No. You just suck. Nobody cares about your fucking stupid liberal/consevative ideas. We don't care mainly because we know you are too fucking lazy to ever do anything about it. You just sit and bitch to whoever will listen, as long as they look similar in dress to you. Closed minded? Fuck that, our residents bartend naked. We also love to smoke indoors and do it illegally. We also have the forward thinking of running our barscene with cocaine. Real Altonians love this. I don't personally involve myself in this scene anymore, but I like that it is there. See, we know how to keep our customers coming back.
3. "Our newspaper, The Telegraph is a piece of shit."
-Sure the St Louis Post Dispatch is nice, but where else can you see relevant police briefs, my house for auction, and hear the bitches of old fucks? You can't.
     Without a nice way to end this rant and Borders closing, I will just say to you "Move." That simple. All you do is ruin my good time. Bitch and moan. Get the fuck out and take your shithead friends with you. You will not be missed. Trust me. You will just make more room at the shows you don't go to, less bitching about the smoke in bars, and more cocaine for those who appreciate it. And the next time you want to bitch, save your jawjabbing and suck my dick.
If you hate me now, I don't really care, but feel free to tell me anyway at
See you next time


  1. Love it. Way better than the idiots that did the Alton myspace page.
    -D. Deck