Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Joys of Christmas

     Most people really hate Christmas. Why? Hanging with family? Spending the extra money? A different kind of stress than any other time of the year? The suicide rate jumps up at this time of year. It almost seems more hip to hate Christmas than to love it. Well, I am the anti-hip. I love Christmas and hopefully I can change a few of your minds.
     The holidays can be really hard on recovering addicts. There are all day AA and NA meetings. These people do not deal well with this added stress. To be honest, I personally think it is just a good excuse to relapse, but whatever. Some people can't grasp why it would be any harder on an addict than anyone else. Well, I never showed up drunk, but I usually had a few to "relax" and "calm my nerves." Why would it be hard to go back? It is kind of like jerking off with lotion and some good anal porn. After that, a calloused hand and a white wall just don't do it anymore.
    Gift giving/receiving is the first thing most people think about when it comes to Christmas. As a child, I spent many a Christmas Eve laying in bed, wide awake, wondering if I would ever fall asleep or if I was stuck in eternal hell waiting. I would eventually sleep, wake up and run to the living room only to be confused to why Santa always wrapped presents for kids on TV but at my house they were just laying on the floor in the open. My Dad explained to me that those kids were rich and Santa liked them more. This is the same Dad that later wondered why I drank so much. After this I had to go to church. If I dislike church now, I downright loathed it on Christmas Day. Not only did I have to go and sit while my toys got lonely, Christmas Mass is always way longer. Do these preists not understand? I would have gladly traded a little altar boy sodomy for the greater good of shaving off 20 minutes of mass.
     As you get older, you start learning the gift of giving. Now that I am officially in my 30's, I have grown to love this. Sometimes my favorite part of the holidays is showing up somewhere and surprising someone who meant something to me that year with a gift. A lot of the times I never get anything in return. I don't care, I just like to make people feel good. Just ask the friends of mine who have received gift certificates, movies, and even a Wii Fit. Sometimes it is better to just make people happy. I can't be a prick all of the time.
    My mother's side of the family does a gift exchange. This is where we all pick 3 people to spend $20 on. Call me a dickhead, but in my family this really sucks. What this comes down to, is all of us rushing out to buy 3 gift cards because we don't know what each other would really like. This idea is awful. (by the way, as I write this, there is a middle aged lady at Panera who is smoking fucking hot) You just narrow down where I can spend my money. Not only that, you make me split it up between 3 different places so I can't get something I really like. "We got you a gift card to Wal-Mart." Great. I like Target better and I have to drive 10 miles to Wal-Mart. Too bad I can't use it along with the $20 I now have to spend at Game Stop. Did I mention I don't have a gaming console?
     Do not get me wrong. Gift cards have their place. Have plans to surprise someone with a small token of thanks for being there for you this past year? Surprise them with card to Chili's and be done with it. It will probably make their day.
     My ADHD is acting up so I am going to move on to my favorite part of the holidays. Yes, I like O Holy Night. Yes, I like driving around with hot chocolate and looking at lights. But what I love best is.....AWKWARDNESS!
This can't be beat. I'm not talking about stating out loud "awkward" when someone brings up your cousins sexuality and he is still in the closet. I am talking about borderline ruining the party and standing there smiling. This is what I live for. That and Snickerdoodles. This year will extra special for me. I have the power to make everyone feel really really guilty for my problems and give me that rehab sympathy or make some pretty good jokes about. I'm not sure which way I will go. I like to go where the wind takes me. I am actually trying to rent a house from my aunt, so I will probably just tend to my Coke and grenadine and do a lot of chuckling. My Grandma is all Alzheimered up now so I expect her to drop some gems. And I will be more than happy to pick them up. "You people never loved me, you just want my money!" The looks on my relative's faces will be priceless.
     I am on my 6th cup of coffee and my hands are shaking like I'm going through detox again so I will wrap this up rather quickly. Before I go, I need to talk about how to properly receive a gift. We can all agree to just take that damn thing, no matter how ugly the sweater. What you do with it once it is yours is up to you. Just accept that fucking thing. The same goes for you women and blowjobs. If you decide to give your man the best free gift out there, please just accept what he gives back. I think you all know what I am getting at here. We don't care what you do with it, but it is just plain rude to not take it.
     Well, I hope everyone of you has a good Christmas. Maybe we can all share some good stories next week.
Merry Christmas.
This is dedicated to Christopher Psycho Unthank